After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me My dog
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise