My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
finally
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.