I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!