Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.