Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
President The Rock Obama