*offers Batman cough drops*
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally