We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
You Might Also Like
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me too
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.