[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.