I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Tough love is true love
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words