Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.