Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
How dramatic are you?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?