Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“what that mouth do?” complain
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Mornin. * use accordingly
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.