[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY