[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
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Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁