Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
this is so top tier i cant
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots