I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”