For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
You Might Also Like
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Just a bush.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme