Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.