*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.