I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
whatcha thinkin bout
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
favorite tropes as memes
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*