Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Life is a suicide mission.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
just got my engagement photos
no such thing as a dumb question
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.