I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.