I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Labreador
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever