I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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Just so funny
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.