Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive