My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I can’t stop laughing at this
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”