Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?