People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.