purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I am never leaving this website
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good