COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
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when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
mood
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!