“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.