LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”