Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Never be a pizza!
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My favorite female superhero
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Just parrot things
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys