People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Why am I like this?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
dam girl
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.