Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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who wore it better?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.