Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
😂😂
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?