i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals