if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
This is enough internet for the day.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Aaaa…CHOO!
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot