If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
You Might Also Like
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Very problematic
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows