*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.