I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*