LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
did it work
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”