If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts