Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Legend 🤣🤣
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need