[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this