The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them