Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
WHO DID THIS?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look