Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
You Might Also Like
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?