I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I mean…but I did
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you