Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.